Wandering

The streets at night are just special. It's been a long time since I did it. But tonight I just felt like it. I love how I can stroll down the street with a skip in my step, my dog unleashed and nobody notices or minds. The perfect time for a freak like me to act out in public without making a scene. The night and the darkness swallow me and everything is one whole. Part of the scenery no questions asked. At all.

I think I'll watch some movie with Robert Downey Jr. There's something about him I like. I don't care if he's old he looks good.

Suicide

For some reason I'm still awake even though I should be sleeping. Work tomorrow and some lack of sleep last night would be reason enough to go to sleep, but I can't seem to force myself to bed. This has resulted in one thing: Me watching Grey's Anatomy as it's on TV right now. I'm a little uncomfortable with this episode since part of it is about this transvestite who wants the surgery to really become a woman. This I have no trouble digesting, but what troubles me is the cut on her wrist. Suicide attempt. I just can't help imagining that must be exactly what the wrists of my friend's father must look like. His face, his body and then the mutilated wrists haunt my mind.
Recently he's been in my dreams too. Though in the dreams his wrists are completely intact and free from harm. He's skinny as a skeleton, but that's just how he's always been. I can't believe he snapped like that and spiraled down, down, down..

He was such a nice man.

Getting back to the TV show I really consider turning it off. All the talk about suicide and wrist cutting makes my mouth dry out and it's like there's something stuck in my throat. Urgh.. It's just hard to know how you're supposed to act and behave around such things. Act all cool and pretend like you either haven't noticed or don't mind at all. Both options seem pretty offensive in my head, but I can't imagine a soul wanting to talk about it to every other person.

Alaska

Can't wait!

Fear

I don't know what's the matter with me. Recent events have me fearing doctors, hospitals and psych wards more than ever. Or at least has re-awoken the fear I once had, but seemed to have gone away. I can't seem to get myself together and call the doctor to get that stupid tetanus vaccine. Stupid, crazy, stupid. I guess I'd just rather live without EVER having to go to any place which has to do with sickness in any form.
This fear is stupid. Why oh why.

I refuse to go insane! I simply refuse to start acting all weird. Not now. Not when so much is at stake.

I don't think it's a real phobia anyway. Iatrophobia is not to be kidding with and certainly not to be attached to some confused teenager. I really don't like putting all these labels on myself. Call it denial if you wish to I don't really care. As far as I know I'm not and so I'm perfectly fine.

Cuckoo

It's funny how much you can learn about yourself and your behavior from listening to things your relatives have experienced. I knew my family had quite a history of being fucked up, but apparently it'll never cease to surprise me and uncover yet another freaky story.
This all has to do with me visiting my grandma today. It had been quite a while so I thought I'd visit her. It seems we always tend to discuss the world and ups and downs in it. Today it got a little more personal as she revealed having had some difficulties with big crowds and people in the past. Who knew?
The whole thing started with me talking about how many psychologists were going to have in a couple of years since it seems it's become very popular to study that exact subject. I mean, it's not like the world is never going to need psychologists and psychiatrists, but one could imagine its be harder to get a job, right? Apparently as it is right now the waiting list for a psychologist is 6 months as for a psychiatrist it's one year. Makes me think about all the things that can happen to a mentally unstable person within a year. Guess that's not too important?

10k in your face!

I went for a run this evening. I just felt like burning some energy and get my head cleared. These stupid thoughts and a Sunday gone wrong.. Saturday was nice though. But Sunday.. I wish I'd just slept in or jumped in the harbor etc.
Needless to say I really needed this particular run. I had no idea how far or for how long I'd run. Turned out to be a 10k just for the hell of it.
I need to run more. Run. Run. Run. I wish I could be just like Forrest Gump!

And when I stopped running I met this super cute Labrador puppy! 12 weeks old and simply adorable! I wish I had a little pup again. Those were the days.
Seeing the pup made me think about my labradoodle G who I miss quite a bit. I hope he's okay wherever e might be.

Coffee? Why, yes please!

"I like my coffee black just like my metal" Well, that's half true anyway since I don't really care for metal. Black coffee on the other hand is a bliss! The bitter acidic flavor and the way it wakes all kinds of things inside you. The caffeine goes straight to the veins and start spreading into your system like a wildfire. Before you know what's hit you you're on a caffeine rush and everything comes off as a fast-forward movie.

Coffee. The delicious hot beverage which makes an insomniac even more sleepless. Wonderful wonders can be achieved through this drink, but the side effects are grim. But who really cares about that in a world where short term solutions are really what we all seek. Who cares about tomorrow as long as we had a blast and the party seemed to go on forever? Nobody cares about the consequences and what comes after. We all live in the moment.

I'm restless and impatient. I can't bear these last weeks before my departure. They seem to drag out and fly by all simultaneously. What I really just want is to get on a plane and leave this instant. Leave this country and enter the wilderness of the Last Frontier. I don't know what Alaska has to offer me, but I'll be sure to enjoy every second of it!
Something about not knowing much about the journey appeals to me. Most people would freak out if they didn't have any plan for their stay in some faraway country in a city in the middle of nowhere, but I look forward to it! I can't wait to get away and start living on a day-by-day basis. Taking one hour at a time maybe even changing plans in the middle of everything. Start going in this direction instead of that one.

I'm on top of the world!

Nothing can stop me! No thoughts sinister or cruel coming my way. Nothing to break this feeling. Nothing in this world could bring me down! At least or tonight.

I had a blast at work today. Got in early to help the boss as people where sick. Then Louise came!! I was so thrilled! I LOVE working with her! We are freaks together and you'd actually think we had known each other for more than just a couple of months only seeing each other four or five times. Only "downside" is her sexually harassing me ;) But I don't mind as long as we have as much fun as we had today :D got her completely high on caffeine :D so fucking speed-like! Both of us! Damn. Strooong coffee! And Trine attended the kitchen with Steph so great! Jan was at the cafe too. Nice to see him before he leaves for Kenya.

I ramble. I've just had so much fucking fun today!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do about myself! Guess I'm still affected by the coffee. No sleep for me right now that's for sure!!

Look forward to May. Exciting month for sure! Just. Can't. Wait!!!!

Basically I said yes

I really don't know what got into me. Was it an impulse? An urge to feel like I did as much as the others. Or maybe I was just being stupid like always.
Anyway, reality is I ended up being the new volunteer coordinator for the cafe. I'm not sure what this will mean yet, but I'm sure I'll find out somehow. Something with organizing activities for the volunteers and employees that doesn't sound too hard.

I actually said "I'm not going anywhere" or more burst it out when all eyes fell on me as people were telling where they'd put up posters. University, some school, some other school and then I said that thing which made me look stupid.. But honestly I didn't know WHERE I would put up posters since I really don't go to any kind of education place.

This week I have more hours at work as I'm covering for someone else. This place at the harbor on the 2. Floor. Nice view actually. More money for me too. Money. I hate it. I actually don't see why we need money (don't give me a lecture I've had PLENTY)
This reminds me of a conversation I had with one friend a few weeks ago. I was randomly chatting about the things people do for money when I concluded I hate doing things which I don't want to do just to get money. My friend told me I was being stupid and that if I was really desperate I would probably do anything for money. This is where our conversation got nasty. You see I started saying things I probably shouldn't have. Things such as "I would rather fucking die than have to lick somebody else's feet." My friend kept telling me my instincts would probably set in and do the licking in order to survive. After a few short snapping replies I think she got the point I don't mind not surviving. Rambling..

"Even in 3D they didn't see the iceberg...!"

Yes. I watched Titanic yesterday as it was on on one of the channels here in Denmark. You'd think I'm tired of it after having seen it a bazillion times like everyone else or just being a crazy and hopeless romantic girl watching it over and over and over. But none of the above happen to be true. As a matter of fact this was only the second time in my life I saw it. And as I soon realized I hadn't remembered much of it. I think I was 8 last time I saw it so I rest my case on being quite excused.

I was surprised to find myself enjoying the movie a lot more than I did when I was younger. The only thing I really remembered was a little version of me crying my eyes out when  Jack sank to the bottom. This time though I had all the time in the world to get angry at the annoying characters and think about all sorts of things (like how Rose's fiancé shoots a gun multiple times and there really is NO WAY the gun could have space for so many bullets in one loading. But that's just me thinking too much..)

I enjoyed the first part of the movie. The part in which the ship was still afloat and everything was fine. all the Irish people made me happy, but at the same time it made me miss Oxegen quite a lot.
When the ship started sinking I starting rocking a bit in my seat. I HATE being on boats and watching these people's eyes gradually filling up with horror was in fact, well, horrifying! Poor people. Most of them doomed by the designers of the ship. 

When you can't come up with a title

You just do it like that.

My dad is happy. Very happy indeed. As he picked me up after work this morning he was excited like a little boy on Christmas day. "maybe these will be the last 100 km I drive in this car!" ad as it turned out they were! He rode the car to Vejle and met with a man. Apparently the man bought our car :) so my dad is so happy happy :) Now he'll soon be driving around town in the other car. I won't! I refuse to..
I really don't know why my parents wasted all that money on a driver's license for me. Although I might have passed the tests and received my license it DOES NOT mean I am able to drive. I'll just keep saying no to driving or pretend I forgot my license at home. Worked well so far.

I think I love him

Coffee break!

Sorry. I feel very stupid about blogging every time I have a break at work today. What is it about breaks anyway? They sure are funnier when you experience them with some or just one of your coworkers. But alas I sit here alone. With my coffee. Yum! Nice and hot. And organic of course.

The first time I entered the backyard to the cafe I felt like I would really want to live in one of those apartments above and beside the cafe. It's cute and remote web though just behind those walls you'll find one of the most traffic filled streets in the heart of Aarhus. It doesn't have a garden or anything pretty really in fact all there is is lots and lots of trash containers, bicycles and stairs. But I adore this place anyway.

Break

Okay, so I have that distinct feeling that I'm a weirdo. Yeah, yeah people would say that to me countless of times all the time every day. But this is a matter of weirdness in the way that I don't know how to fucking take a break during work hours! What's wrong with me??
I suddenly had coworkers coming in and one of them asked me if I'd like a break. And. I. Didn't. Know. What. To. Do.... So my boss told me to go outside and take a break. Smoke the fags I don't smoke..


Here is the fag:

The hunger game

You'd think the Danish population was part of such a thing taking this photo to further investigation. I'm shocked and sickened by the human behavior which makes people act like this. I mean, really? The store has been closed for maybe ONE day! Nothing more.. It's not like you're going to starve or anything. Geez people get a grip!

Wild and free

Go to hell said the brain to the body.

I feel like running away. I feel like breaking every rule. I feel like disregarding every socially acceptable behavior. I feel like doing as I please.

Yet I don't.

I keep repeating this pattern and I'm sick of it. I do as is expected of me. I never step out of line. I do however do random and unexpected things.

Two months.
Two months until I'm officially free. Free to do as I please. Free to run around in the wild screaming my lungs out and making myself feel dizzy. No responsibility other than being good to nature.

I'm a spoiled child and I know it. I don't have a bad life I'm just numb from living this domestic life with no fears and no dangers. I need adventure. Escape.

Them heartaches

While looking through my medical notes searching for my vaccination chart I stumbled upon this old-looking paper folder in my journal. The distinct look of being an official paper screamed at me as I looked at the words. Cardiology ward Skejby hospital.
What did this mean? My curiosity made me open the paper. To my big surprise this was a paper slip I was supposedly meant to give to my dentist or doctor if I was to have any surgery or things done with my teeth. Obviously I've never given this to anyone. Makes me wonder.

I always knew I was born with something wrong with my heart. I find it odd though that it could be worsened by bad dental care. Creepy considering I'm not paying much attention to this.

Additionally I discovered it's been 5 years since my last tetanus vaccine timed out. I'm shocked to discover this since I thought I was still covered by it. Damn. Anyhow I obviously need to have it renewed in order to go to Alaska without fearing any mayor infections. Luckily it's a pretty cheap vaccine :D

Disregard normality acquire bruises